Hey nobody heard my side of the story
by Elentari-Ellena
Summary: This is Bill the Ponies side of the story not complete yet but please r&r I will write more soon
1. Default Chapter

This is story of the fellowship but through the eyes of the Pony Bill Who pops up every now and again in the book and film. Please read with a west-country (like merry and Sam in the film for those who don't know it.) Enjoy and review I will write more soon. But if people think its dead before its started then I will abandon it. Thanks and be truthful I can take it (.  
  
Day 1: God strange things been happening in Bree. I heard last night somebody went round letting all the horses and ponies out. Well they didn't come no-where near here or I didn't hear them but there was some weirdo walking round in a big cape looking in all the windows but I took no notice and went back to sleep.  
  
Then this morning some stupid little fat hobbit comes and says that he wants to buy me off Bill but what really bugged me was what he said "a poor half-starved creature not worth what you are charging. I thought hang on I'm a bit hungry, well all the time but I got spirit and look at yourself your fat beer bellied half wit. So anyways old shit face Bill Ferny sold me to these four hobbits and a bloke.  
  
Bloody hell never met such a lot of sullen faced weirdo's looked like they were having to save the Earth or something.  
  
So there's Freda I think that's his name and he's all pale and precious and looks like a porcelain doll. Then there's "Merry" he's a action hero wannabe, bloody idiot is constantly jumping off rocks and rolling about on the ground.  
  
Then there's the little one who keeps tripping over the scarf "granny took" made him.  
  
Right and this bloke yeah "Strider" ooh quaking in my shoes!! He thinks himself to be a nature boy keeps eating leaves and sniffing mud I wanna piss on one then get him to lick that, that would teach him. Hahaha. But the worse thing with him is he smells like a cow's arse.. Well he looks like one to but that's not the point. Never heard of washing my smelly friend???  
  
Then there's Sam he's aright is Sam he gives me half his apple (Thank God somebody feeds the bloody horse!!) Sam's only fault he talks about nothing to me all the time potatoes this and roses this. Oh bloody hell. Better than shit face I s'pose. So we are leaving bree and people are watching us now I felt quite important was great. And old shit face starts shouting crap at cow's arse. Sam turns round throws an apple at him which hits him square on the forehead then turns round and keeps walking. Good old Sam I thought. We start trekking through some muddy wood then through this boggy bit which was nasty as watching Merry eat, but hey I found something that stinks more than "Strider"!! They were all complaining about midges I thought you think that's bad try living with fleas well Strider does but precious Pippin and Frodo (that's his name not Freda) no so they complain the whole time. Never met such a load of pussies. Trust me to get landed with them. 


	2. The shit pits of the Shire

OK this is the second chapter in Bill's Story I've put this at a PG if you think it needs to be higher let me know I wasn't sure. Arwen's words are must, ride, than, you ,very ,cross, broke and nail. Do also apologize for those with braces I AM NOT TAKING THE PISS WELL I AM SORT OF BUT PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT THE WRONG WAY!!1 sorry  
  
Day 2: God last night was awful it was cold and it had rained most of the day and when it finally stops late into the night cow's arse starts frigging singing thought oh god kill me now, but oh no I had to sit there all night listening to him sing, bloody weirdo.  
Day 5: Right picture this 3 hobbits and a weirdo sitting round a fire listening cow's arse sing then action hero hobbit starts asking questions about what he's singing and just when I didn't think things could get any worse Sam starts warbling too. All hobbits look amazed then join in singing like friggin happy campers round a fire. Camp yes they are like a choir touring the shit pits of middle earth aaarrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh.  
  
Still Gandalf has made no appearance but I tell you what I did hear in the bushes last night two voices one whispering "oh arie baby!" then the other said "god my knees hurt from bending down can we switch. " then Merry or precious Pippin says "there's not a stone high enough for me to reach."  
  
Then cow's arse comes out from behind a tree all stropy but I didn't see the short shit appear. But then about 2o minutes later I heard it again but this time it wasn't cow's arse it was two short shits defiantly pint size pippin I could tell by his high pitch voice, you see it hasn't broken yet so he sounds like a fairy with a fork up it's arse!!!  
  
Day 6: Well last night was interesting right we was up on this weathertop when Sam and Pippin being the greedy buggers that they are lit a fire to cook yet more bacon and drew all those cloaked weirdo's from bree towards us. They came with swords to beat the crap out of us (well them I was already hiding by this point!) So action hobbit is jumping all round the place off rocks and the like then knocks himself out on a low hanging branch, Bloody idiot.  
  
All Pippin could do was run around in circles screaming. But cow's arse is a good fighter he got all the buggers I thought well done you smells awful but fights damn good. Oh yeah Frodo got stabbed by one of the weirdo's then this elvish bird came and took him on her horse (who I will say is mighty fine!!) to Rivendale ut the funny thing about her was she had braces and a really bad lisp and she said.  
  
"I can wide muth faster wan woo, now I muth go owwise daddy will be wery crosth."  
  
At with that she got on her horse and said. "damn I roke a wail."  
  
So Frodos gone with arwen and we are following behind her . Things got exciting for a bit. still no Gandalf but bloody hell that horse was fit!! 


	3. I'm game if you are!

Authors note: The horse bill talks to (derrick) talks like Lilly Savage and if you don't know who that is then just really camp.  
Day7: Its all doom and gloom here, we are following Arwen and Frodo to Rivendale all the hobbits are really down bless then they must really like Frodo. Pippin was shaken by the whole thing he lead me today and many times I felt his silent tears on my neck so I gave him a nuzzle to show I cared and ya now what he gave me a apple so all that needs to happen is some gets hurt bad and wahey the horse gets feed!!  
  
Strider, I mean cow's arse has been quiet all day and Merry he's got this big bump on his head from that over hanging branch poor bugger but least he's stopped jumping off rocks. Still no Gandalf.  
  
Day 8: Finally reached Rivendale nice place lots of crass to eat, loads of elves and bloody hell the finest horses I've ever seen. There's this one right she arrived yesterday she's got long white legs and a fluffy tail and the silkiest mane I've ever seen so I go up to her acting all cool and say my 1 chat up line that always worked with the ponies in Bree. "Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day!"  
  
So she turns around and says, " I'm game if you are."...............  
  
It's a frigging bloke. Trust me I always pick em. But he looked so much like a mare. So anyway I found that his master Lego something green foot is here for a jewellery party so I guess that's why strider and the short shits are here. Oh met Gandalf his a nice old bloke I remember he would come to bree sometimes and he would chuck apples through the hedge. Nice bloke.  
  
Day 12: Bloody hell never guess that cow face is???? Only Aragorn son of Arathorn!!!!! No bloody idea who that is but it got your attention. Owwwwww Rivendale is soooooo boring zzzzzzzzzzz. Sam came he said that Frodo was getting better. 


	4. oh shit i'm turning camp!

Hey there, sorry for the delay. This is chapter 4 before you read it I do already apologize for it's shitness I can't really think of anything as a time filler really but if I can think funny thoughts than I will edit it and re-post it. Also I have had a request for more Derrick. I will again ad bits in when I can and derrick might even get his own chapter??? Please r&r yes I know this chapter is shite. Sorry, write more soon. oh yeah Legolas is just like super posh!! Elentari.  
Day 13: Loads of people have turned up in rivendale now there's ugly men like cow's arse who all smell the same (what is it with men and not washing?? bloody hell) And my bloody god the ugliest hairiest things I've ever seen in my life. hey are just taller than the short shites but they've got more hair than I have ( and cow's arse!!) Derrick tells me that they are Dwarves and that they live under hill and mountains. But elves hate them and so does Derrick and he's always right about these things so I hate them to (and they smell.) yuck hairy smelly short shits. Gives me the shivers.  
Me and derrick are on a new diet derrick says if I follow it I will get cheek bones like his......... Oh my god I'm turning camp ah shit!! Must become big stallion think stallion ow I must go me and Derrick are gonna go pick some pretty flowers..... shit shit shit!!  
Day 15: Rivendale is humming with the news of this jewelry party and there's all these whispers of this "one ring" I haven't got a clue why but Derrick says that it must be very pretty for all the fuss its causing. He thinks that they might be auctioning it soon. Don't know why but Rivedale stinks of strawberries! Very odd.  
Day 17: Bloody hell very funny weather we been having right one minute me and Derrick eating yummy grass in perfect sunlight then the we heard all this weird shouting in a language which derrick said it wasn't one he had ever heard but then it all went dark then rivendale turned back to normal so something in that meeting went very wrong or I s'pose very right oh I don't know. Rivendale is very weird I keep getting woke up at night by the silly buggers singing in act elves sing all the fucking time.Oh god I would do anything to be back in Bree. 


	5. Shut up or i will eat your bollocks!

Hello all,Arwen is in this one so her words are: miss, you, very, much, daddy, the, ruining and everything. Happy reading  
  
Day 24: Derrick left with the other elves this morning he said to me. "hey chuck, now don't forget to exfoliate daily, eat properly get 8 hours sleep at least and please don't forget me." Yeah like I could I love that guy. People never think about what we think or about what we want or how we feel its just all about them all the time.  
  
Day 25: I'm all alone and feeling like a piece of shit. Cow's arse came today and took me for a walk, he sang (if you can call it that!) the whole time I thought if I knew you were going to sing I wouldn't of come. But he has washed and put clean clothes on, his beard is all fluffy and he didn't smell bad he smelt well like strawberries??? very odd but I thought hey cow's arse you look like some secret kind of king or something when you are clean.  
Day 27: We left Rivendale finally there is nine in our party there is Gandalf the apple thrower, Action hero hobbit who has taken to jumping everywhere again!! (groan groan!!) Pint size pippin, Precious Frodo, Sam, Ginger the dwarf, Shittylas Derrick's (sob) master (sob sob) and this very odd tall bloke who's always asleep called Boro um Boro oh Boro something anyways there was a big todo in Rivendale when we were leaving Arwen was all tearful shouting "I will wiss oo wery muth araworn." as she blew big kisses at him he just ignored her he was all sad and gloomy again (he's very moody legolas thinks he's on his cycle!!) But Sam was in high spirits he kept laughing and saying " You shouldn't of taken up with us leaving all this lovely hay behind you." I was like hello I'm not going to because I want to you are making me and you remind me one more time of what I am leaving behind I will eat your bollocks!! I don't wanna leave but hey nobody asked me what I wanted to do!! So this Elrond bloke gives this speech saying how "the fellowship" whatever that is only have to go as far they will and that "no bond is laid down before them" so I thought fine I've walked from my stable to here and I ain't going any further!!! But oh no when I didn't move Arwen shouted and stomped her foot and said " waddy wee horse is wooiuning ewwwink." so Boro a shit hit me hard on the arse to make me walk. So I have renamed Boromir Boro a shit well because he is one and nobody slaps me arse!!! 


End file.
